I got dumped. he didn't hear the words i wanted him to know. he might of seen that i gave him a heart and opened up mine. or he might of listened and just thrown it away.


I was quite content with being just his friend. loving him from a distance. just being.

then he asked me.


and now he's left me.


and it's hard to know what to do with that next. it's not the end of the world. but it could be the end of a damn good friendship. who knows. I'm not the best at staying just friends after it is over.



and now he hides. from what? who knows.
I can forgive him... but I need to understand why. I've heard all the reasons. but I still cannot comprehend why.




Love....

"
1 Corinthians
Chapter 13

1

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

2

And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.

3

If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,

5

it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,

6

it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

7

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8

Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.

9

For we know partially and we prophesy partially,

10

but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

11

When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.

12

At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.

13

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. "

I'm 18 tomorrow. Which I can't stop so I wont complain.

I got xanga in late January. So I'm going to reflect on my blogs, since not many were able to read them I could often be honest about everything.

"I am 17 years old, apparently this is the year i learn the truth, we'll see about that looking for alibrandi!"

So. Some truths[And they're hard to realize].




* After nearly a year after the break up I still didn't move on properly from my ex. I'd jump from I'm over it to, I'm not. Should of completely stopped talking the first time we broke up. I learnt the reason why I couldn't let myself go away from him. In a sense I worshipped him. Which was ridiculous but that's what happens when you have no direction. You worship the wrong things in life... and there's more wrong worship than right.
"Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God”
Truth is I must avoid this common mistakes of worshoping anything earthly.
He wasnt all bad. He taught me a lot about myself... he tried to help me. and in a sense, he may not realize it but he spriritually helped me. "if you can be happy with yourself, that'll get you a long way
further than you'll get leaning on someone else"

* A secret relationship is not a relationship at all.

* No matter how often you think otherwise, you will never be happy when you "Get what I want"

* Being the girl on the side will rot you on the inside. The guilt, the shame, the loss of self-worth. In the end you're used no matter what. The guy could have two cakes.

* All you can do about past mistakes is to reflect, learn, and avoid the mistake in the future.

* I needed standards in my life.

* "In life there's many things that happen in which we are not ready for, but if you can predict it, it's good to be prepared. I'm not sure if I am prepared for this year, school, work, home life, friends... the future, I have no clue what it has in store for me or anyone..."

* Forgiveness is important for  the soul. Especially the one being asked for it.

* "I'll rebel in my own way, but I'm rebelling against rebellion" It's funny. This year I became some many things I would never of planned, and many I would have highly disagreed with in the past. Thats not to say there's something wrong with me now. I've made some of the best choices of my life this year. The fact is the world wants you to believe you're doing well... rebelling and standing up for things that no many do. But the fact is a lot of it is more minority than majority, and that by rebelling as the world does, you're part of the problem and not the solution.

* Guys WILL say just about anything to get into your pants. Wait for the one who completements you when you deserve it.

* "You cannot make everybody happy. simple as that."

* "people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Either which way, you still have to try and learn from everyone, they're not perfect, no one is. But you can learn from them."

* Humans are selfish by nature. Be a freak of nature. Give a damn about others, they need you to.

* "don't say sorry when you're not
its just hollow words"

* "In actual truth, what has been upsetting me lately is actually what is a possible truth."
"it was time to hit the pillows and face reality. I find that is the one time we all must face the truth, no matter where, what, how and why we are going to sleep. Tess agree and said it's the one time we have true salvation."
As upset I have been in the past year. It has mostly been because I was time to face the truth. As painful as it was, I did. And it truly did save me.

* When I made goals that I had set. When I changed my life around. I'm not sure how true it seemed to me then but it was said "Nothing but a positive future ahead (note/warning: there will be obstecal in the way... GOOD LUCK!)"

* "Nothing is coincidence."

* " ATTITUDE changes your feelings."

* I was alone early this year until I invited Him into my heart. "You're never alone if God lives in your heart".


MOST IMPORTANT TRUTH OF ALL:
* Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. He is love.

Went up to Baccus Marsh this weekend with Youth Group for a camp as some of you will know.
If you didn't know, you now do :)

I didn't have any friends go up there as such so I was sort of alone, but not really =].
"You're never alone if God lives in your heart".

I spoke with leaders mostly. They're pretty cool. Learned a little something from each of them.


On the weekend away we studied the book of Jonah and learned quite a few things and I'd be happy to share with you if you're happy to listen/read =].


I read a lot of the weekend. Finished reading Being by Kevin Brooks. Good book. Leaves me thinking and feeling lots of things. And knowing me, I prefer not to share all I feel or even a little... only rarely do I.


We played night games, they were fun but I am so unfit. I wasn't home sick at all, but I do miss someone very much. I miss school even. The holidays don't feel super refreshing... and yet they are. I think I want time to pass quickly right now, but soon I will want it to slow down. In the end, whatever will be, will be, so let it be...

It's always nice to spend time with other Christians, it's not easy finding people that understand you in your beliefs... at least not in this world.


At the holy trinity church where we stayed, there was an old style church, over 100 years old, the original one. We were allowed to go inside. Let me just say, it was beautiful and well cared for.
You may see the pictures yourself in my photo album labeled "YG Camp"

Another church photo which was only the outside, was a small country church that we got to run our own service for the people in.

It was lovely and fun.

We all had to put in work, and since I love to worship I went to help in music.

I helped choose the songs and then stood up at the front when it came to singing them. I'm grateful there is no mics like at my church cause my voice is probably killer(badbadbad), but it felt so good to lead people into singing praise and worship to the Lord.

The songs we choose were:
* Blessed Be Your Name (my personal favorite)
* Hosanna
* How Great Thou Art (I really liked this one even though it was the first time i sang it)

I really had a good time, the views were nice driving around, I'm one to appreciate them. The weather was perfect. The TAWG was awesome above awesomeo. The ideas that came to mind when I wasn't surrounded by this world's noise were inspiring...

This is me sharing, without sharing too much feeling...

Hmmm... There's more thoughts under the surface but thats ok. They're for me and the lucky few to know. or just God.





Thats all for now....



Oh tomorrow I go to school for holiday textiles class and I'm worried a bit but I will survive!

Wednesday is Movie night, wanna come, let me know and I'll give you details.



Sunday church movie night and I'll finally get to see stephen again =D yaaay.
"
I. honestly. miss. him.
lots